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hey everyone
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its time for me to make a decision that ive thought about for quite a while now
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the last year was probably the hardest i have ever had to deal with.
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as most of you know in the beginning of 2023 Aversion disbanded and the organisation got closed
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which was a huge shock and also forced me to stop fulltime streaming which i was doing since 2018
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i loved my job.. i grinded a shit ton of hours i had amazing moments and streaming, gaming, chasing dreams,
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help and educate ppl was all i wanted to do.
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since i had financial problems all my life my step becoming a fulltimestreamer was very risky but i havent rly had
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anything to lose since the job i was working made me insanely unhappy so i thought id give it a shot
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we had 4 mostly amazing years at least on stream and i will be forever grateful for the opportunitys i had
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casting race to worlds firsts, visiting music festivals and cons and last but not least meeting a lot of amazing ppl in the online community.
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in the beginning of the year i had to abruptly stop streaming and go work in a normal full time job since i had and still have to pay
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some taxes and stuff.. im not a person who runs away from stuff like that but its honestly very hard to deal with the fact
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you lose your beloved job and passion and are forced to function in a normal 9-5 job environment the next day which you dont really enjoy.
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most of you know already that ive been struggling with manic depressions since i was a young teenager and ive always tried
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to overcome those depressions and fight my battles in silence. i wanted everyone to have a good time even tho i wasnt having one.
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the way online gaming and very toxic ppl in the communitys behave rly hurts.. i was a passionate gamer since i was 10 years old
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and i always loved playing grind heavy games with a pvp environment but something has changed maybe its the games and the gamers
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maybe its me.. im not sure yet.
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i struggled with heavy suicidal thoughts in the beginning of the year and im glad i overcame them but these days i just cant
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find happniness in anything gaming related.. i noticed a whlie ago that everything felt a bit meaningless to me after the heavy changes
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in my career.
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the recent namechange was another approach to fight the demons in my head and try to start all over again with everything i did.
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but tbh it didnt work out.
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long story short i will have to take a break from streaming and most of social media for an undefined time to go to therapy and take
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care of my physical and mental health.
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this does absolutely not mean that im done with content creation and all that but i have to go through some major changes to make it work
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and persue my happiness and the for me "meaningful" life im starving for.
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i want to say thank you to all the thousands of ppl i had the pleasure of working with.
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i hope that i can one day return and be a better version of myself so the golden times can make a return.
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with that said i wish everyone a healthy and successful year 2024.
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until then. stay save. never give up on your dreams and live your best lifes!
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much love knoff xoxo